For the life of me I don’t know how I’ve made it this far!

Mum to one, completely winging it

Ex-copper

Mental health warrior

Workaholic

Widowed by suicide

Harry Potter geek

Love to eat, read & write

80% tea 20% human

Here goes....

Hello 👋🏻 

 

So I’m new to this blogging thing....please be gentle with me 🙈

 

I’m here because I wanted to write a book, but I have so many things I want to talk about I couldn’t possibly squeeze them all into one space and expect it to make sense....even in my strange little brain 🧠 

 

 

A bit about me....

I’m looking the big 3-0 square in the face now and I’ve got to admit I’m bricking it a tad! 

I mean I know I’m not old but where did my twenties go??? I remember looking at women my age and thinking they should be at home, in their slippers, with a nice cuppa and a biscuit, reading a Mills & Boon!

Let me set the scene for you - I’m 19, I’m skinny as, my hair and my boobs are my own. I’ve never experienced the excruciating pain of stepping on an upturned Barbie shoe at 3am,  whilst stumbling along the pitch black landing, completely naked, after hearing your toddler get up and cry uncontrollably, for no apparent reason (other than to test your sanity and incredible variety of foul language of course) for the fourth time in as many hours.

I’m in my local club dancing around to The Black Eyed Peas ‘Boom Boom Pow’ and I actually think I’m Fergie 💃 I’ve got a blue WKD in my hand, sparkly eyeshadow and my finest New Look dress on....you know how it is, I’m care free and happy, feeling sorry for all the ‘oldies’ 👵🏼

Nowadays going to places that serve alcohol, or even that just remain open after 9pm, I look around and instantly worry if these kids mums know where they are....if I’m still awake enough myself to look around that is....WHAT’S HAPPENED TO ME? 

 

Anyway enough of the mid-life crisis before I’m even mid-life....

 

 

I’m a mum of one. My little girl was born in 2011. She is beautiful, clever, brave, funny, a complete whinger and an absolute animal obsessive. My poor cat hates any form of human contact due to the terror she was subjected to as a kitten, she wasn’t a fan of forced love. The dog loves my daughter purely because she’s the soppiest dog ever born but even she knows when to make a swift exit. I think even the goldfish are wary, the poor little orange buggers.

My baby is, without question, the single most amazing thing in my life but also the only person in the galaxy that occasionally makes me want to punch holes in walls. Funny what kids can do to you.

Will I be having any more? Noooooo way!

Pregnancy was horrific for me. Plus motherhood is a strangely wonderful and heartbreaking journey that I only wish to travel once, thank you very much.

 

 

I’ve worked in retail. I’ve worked in property. I spent seven years in the police, five in uniform and two in CID.... I have some stories for you, watch this space 👮‍♀️ 🚓 

I’ve been a stay at home Mum. I’ve worked in admin. I currently run my own business.

I hope in the future I’ll be able to help more, working with charities is definitely a goal for me. I care about animals, humanity, our world and I would absolutely love to do as much as I can to make it a better, kinder, more peaceful and happy place.

 

 

I am a widow. 

It still feels weird saying that. 

I gained this shocking status at the age of 26, with a three year old daughter. 

My husband took his own life eight months after we separated. I know what you’re thinking....but believe me it didn’t make it any easier that we weren’t together. Even though we both had new partners.

We had spent seven years together, been married, worked together, had a baby and a life. 

It was hard, like really tough, it still is. Daily.

Suicide is an appalling thing to go through. There’s not just the usual grief, there’s the shock and disbelief and anger and shame and guilt and all THOSE questions - the ones you ask yourself and the ones that other people ask you. 

It’s almost unbearable. Especially when you are dealing with it for your child as well as for yourself.

I’ve got plenty to tell you on this so watch out for further blogs but as a final reminder for now (if this is something you are going through or unfortunately may go through in the future) it does get better with time and it’s important to remember there is no time scale. For some it’s weeks, for some it’s months and for some it is years. You set your own pace.

 

 

I have experienced domestic abuse. I’ll never say I was a victim because firstly; I hate the word and secondly; I quite willingly stuck at the relationship. I’m fortunate that I’ve never been physically abused but I have watched friends and family go through it. I personally have dealt with over a year of emotional torture. The loss of self worth, the desperation for love and normality, the dependence on “that” person, the alienation and isolation from everyone else, the change it makes in you, the decisions you wouldn’t normally have made, the health issues it brings you....I’ve been there.

It’s a subject close to my heart that I will no doubt be writing about very soon for you.

All forms of domestic abuse are soul destroying and have no place in society. For anyone dealing with this I urge you to make a change. Seek help. You are worthy, you deserve more than this 💛

 

 

I have battled with mental health; depression for many years and anxiety much more recently. I think many people deal with mental health issues and there is a massive stigma attached to it. It’s a more approachable subject since the likes of The Royal Family and other recognisable faces have spoken out. I couldn’t applaud them more 👏🏻  I believe we will continue holding the spotlight firmly on mental health awareness and moving in the right direction in battling it.

We all deserve to have healthy minds and to find a safe and comfortable place to deal with our demons. I’ll be talking about my issues in the future in the hope I can encourage other people to face it with strength, resilience and courage 💪🏼

It’s ok not to be ok.

 

 

Family, friends and animals are the three most important things in my life. 

Without them all I would be lost. 

Are they perfect? Hell no! 

We all have our flaws but I can’t express to you how important it is to surround yourself with honest, loyal and loving people. 

Top tip; quality over quantity....I certainly learnt that the hard way.

 

 

I love food, I’ll never be anything less than curvy ever again. I believe in a staple diet of biscuits and cake. Give me either and I’m a happy girl 😍

Exercise sounds really great and productive on paper and doesn’t instagram makes it look like soooooo much fun too? 

But I read a really interesting bit of advice recently - the heart is only good for so many beats, you can’t extend the life of a car by driving it faster, so if you want to live longer take a nap 💤 

 

 

I’m 80% tea and 20% human. Well actually probably more 70% tea and 30% coffee. I think the human vacated a while back.

 

 

I’m a HUGE Harry Potter geek. I will love anything HP until the day I die. Christmas 1998 I was gifted the first two books and I’ve been hooked ever since. Queued at midnight at Asda to get the newly released books. Went to the cinema at midnight to watch the newly released films. Before you even ask.... Gryffindor obviously 🙄

 

 

So that’s basically me in a nutshell....a bloody big nutshell granted because I have waffled on a smidge 😆

Anyway I hope you enjoy reading my journey and thoughts.

 

 

Love Always xoxo